Exploring the Unkown

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Exploring the Unkown

Post  BuRnINgAmBiTIOn on Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:21 pm

DISCLAIMER
This story is my own. Any real life resemblance is purely coincidental. I don't intent to offend anyone by writing this story. Some names have been borrowed because they seem either catchy or ominous from previous use. Thank you.

In the not so distant future, the world is in chaos. There is a destructive virus spread out all over East Asia, killing many people. Meteors have touched down all over America, and only a couple thousand people have survived. Thievery and arson are highly common now. Everyone fights for their own survival, and this is what happened.

''Ugg...where am I?'' thought Shay as he regained consciousness. His hand instinctively went to his head, and he would feel blood running through his hair. Blaring car horns can be heard outside, accompanied by screams and gunshots. He gets up, and stumbles over to the door. As he opens it, he is overwhelmed by a strong odor from within the street. ‘‘What the hell is that smell?! My eyes are burning!'' He would groan, and walk into the street.
The sight he is awarded with is appalling. a huge hole is in the middle of the street, with a pillar of some billowing out from it. People can be seen sprawled out across the road and sidewalk. A pillar of smoke is lazily rising from the hole.
''Someone, please help me!'' a girl screams. Shay turns his head to see a girl sprawled out on the sidewalk, barely alive. There is blood all over her shirt, with holes everywhere. ''P-P-P-Please, help me!'' she wails again, holding her hand out to Shay. He runs over, setting her head in his lap. A careful examination tells him that she has shards of something lodged in her body. They’re too deep for him to pry out with his fingers.
''Everything is going to be all right! Let me help you.'' He would calmly say, fishing through his pockets to find something. All he finds is a little colorful fabric, and some tweezers. He gingerly starts to pull the shards out., and the girl whimpers every time he puts the tweezers into her ripped flesh. A few minutes later, the shards are taken out, and she is bandaged accordingly. ''Help me over to the wall..'' she quietly moans, and he helps her over, leaning her up against the wall. He looks up, seeing a sign saying ''Dustys Home Apparel''
''Are you feeling better?'' Shay questions the girl
''I'm feeling allot better. Thank you very much for helping me.'' Shay would stand up, looking around. She seemed to be the only survivor of this, other then him.
''What happened here? did a bomb blow up? he would ask, motioning his hand to the gaping hole in the middle of the road.
''It came out of no where..the meteorite. Anyways, it looked allot like a meteorite. It smashed into the middle of the road, making a huge explosion. I just woke up about the same time you found me.'' she would say. ''My name is Brianna. I think I should tell you that. I mean, after all, you did save me.''
''My name is Shay'' he would reply. ''So, a meteorite fell down, huh? This seems too big of a explosion for just a meteorite. Something seems weird about all this..''
''So, what now Shay? are you going to leave me here, or what? We've got nothing to go back to. I mean, all the homes are totaled.'' Brianna would say.
''Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up! What’s all this ''we'' stuff? All I did was save you!''
''Well, yeah, but I would feel allot better if I stayed near you. I don't know if another is going to hit or not..''
''Ok. You stay with me then.'' Shay would say. He would help her up, and they would go into the home apparel store for shelter.

END OF EPISODE ONE
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BuRnINgAmBiTIOn

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Re: Exploring the Unkown

Post  BuRnINgAmBiTIOn on Thu Jul 16, 2009 6:47 pm

EPISODE TWO: AWAKE

DISCLAIMER
This story is my own. Any real life resemblance is purely coincidental. I don't intent to offend anyone by writing this story. Some names have been borrowed because they seem either catchy or ominous from previous use. If this story is found anywhere else other then this site, it has been stolen. Please report it immediately if they do not give credit to me. Thank you for your time, and enjoy!





“So, Brianna, where are you from? I’ve lived here all my life, and I knew everyone here, and I don’t think you were one of them,” probed Shay, leaning up against the dust-covered wall.
“Well, I was actually passing through town. Looking at the shops, and taking in the whole surreal life. It seemed so nice here, before that thing crashed into the street…’’Brianna would mumble, lowering her gaze to the floor, examining the debris scattered all around her feet. ‘’My parents were with me when it crashed. I don’t see them around, so they must’ve made it all right..’’
Why would her parents just ditch her like that? Unless they thought she was dead, but still..” Shay thought to himself, examining the girl sitting in front of him. “Well, I’m sure your parents are all right. I’m sure they miss you.” He said to comfort her.
“Yeah, maybe your right. What about you? You said you’ve lived here all your life. Where are your parents?’’ She asked.
Shay looked at the ground solemnly. “I…I don’t know. I’ve lived with my grandparents for as long as I can remember. They passed away maybe a month ago.. I’ve been getting by from the money they left me.
“Oh.. I’m so sorry. If I knew, I wouldn’t have-”
“No, It’s ok. I’m over it now. They took care of me. I just wish I knew my real parents. Who I came from, y’know?” He mumbled.
“Yeah..I understand..” Brianna said. “You’ll find them sooner or later, I just know it.”
“Mhm.” Shay says, while getting back onto both of his feet. “You need some rest. Your bleeding through your bandages.” He would kneel down, gently removing the bandages.
“You don’t need to fuss over me. I’ll be fine.” Brianna would say. It was awkward for her to have someone fuss over her like this.
“No you won’t. These cuts are deep. I’m surprised you didn’t cut any organs open. Now just be quiet and let me do this. Try to get some sleep. Ill try not to move you around too much.’’ Shay orders.
“Ok,ok. I got it.’’ Brianna would say. A half hour later, she would be asleep, and her bandages would be replaced. Shay sits down, leaning against a shelf with his eyes closed.

“I can’t believe this. Today’s been so weird. That THING falls from the sky, and she’s the only one I see lying around the street. Everyone else seems to have vanished. What the hell happened here?! Maybe I’m sleeping. This is all just a nightmare. Ill wake up soon and I will finally be able to hear everyone in the streets” Shay would think, and then falling into slumber.

.:.:.:IN THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION:.:.:.

“Sir, everything is going according to plan. Project BARRAKS is online.’’
“Excelent. Thank you.”
END OF EPISODE TWO
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Re: Exploring the Unkown

Post  Fallen_Ronin on Thu Jul 16, 2009 7:11 pm

BuRnINgAmBiTIOn wrote:DISCLAIMER
This story is my own. Any real life resemblance is purely coincidental. I don't intent to offend anyone by writing this story. Some names have been borrowed because they seem either catchy or ominous from previous use. Thank you.

In the not so distant future, the world is in chaos. There is a destructive virus spread out all over East Asia, killing many people. Meteors have touched down all over America, and only a couple thousand people have survived. Thievery and arson are highly common now. Everyone fights for their own survival, and this is what happened.

''Ugg...where am I?'' thought Shay as he regained consciousness. His hand instinctively went to his head, and he would feel blood running through his hair. Blaring car horns can be heard outside, accompanied by screams and gunshots. He gets up, and stumbles over to the door. As he opens it, he is overwhelmed by a strong odor from within the street. ‘‘What the hell is that smell?! My eyes are burning!'' He would groan, and walk into the street.
The sight he is awarded with is appalling. a huge hole is in the middle of the street, with a pillar of some billowing out from it. People can be seen sprawled out across the road and sidewalk. A pillar of smoke is lazily rising from the hole.
''Someone, please help me!'' a girl screams. Shay turns his head to see a girl sprawled out on the sidewalk, barely alive. There is blood all over her shirt, with holes everywhere. ''P-P-P-Please, help me!'' she wails again, holding her hand out to Shay. He runs over, setting her head in his lap. A careful examination tells him that she has shards of something lodged in her body. They’re too deep for him to pry out with his fingers.
''Everything is going to be all right! Let me help you.'' He would calmly say, fishing through his pockets to find something. All he finds is a little colorful fabric, and some tweezers. He gingerly starts to pull the shards out., and the girl whimpers every time he puts the tweezers into her ripped flesh. A few minutes later, the shards are taken out, and she is bandaged accordingly. ''Help me over to the wall..'' she quietly moans, and he helps her over, leaning her up against the wall. He looks up, seeing a sign saying ''Dustys Home Apparel''
''Are you feeling better?'' Shay questions the girl
''I'm feeling allot better. Thank you very much for helping me.'' Shay would stand up, looking around. She seemed to be the only survivor of this, other then him.
''What happened here? did a bomb blow up? he would ask, motioning his hand to the gaping hole in the middle of the road.
''It came out of no where..the meteorite. Anyways, it looked allot like a meteorite. It smashed into the middle of the road, making a huge explosion. I just woke up about the same time you found me.'' she would say. ''My name is Brianna. I think I should tell you that. I mean, after all, you did save me.''
''My name is Shay'' he would reply. ''So, a meteorite fell down, huh? This seems too big of a explosion for just a meteorite. Something seems weird about all this..''
''So, what now Shay? are you going to leave me here, or what? We've got nothing to go back to. I mean, all the homes are totaled.'' Brianna would say.
''Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up! What’s all this ''we'' stuff? All I did was save you!''
''Well, yeah, but I would feel allot better if I stayed near you. I don't know if another is going to hit or not..''
''Ok. You stay with me then.'' Shay would say. He would help her up, and they would go into the home apparel store for shelter.

END OF EPISODE ONE

I like the plot idea. Sounds pretty promising. With this chapter, I didn't like how you wrote things like "...He would feel the blood running through his hair" or "He would help her up, and they would go into the home apparel store for shelter" and you should've instead just said "He felt the blood running through his hair" or "He helped her up, and they went to the home apparel store for shelter". Just write in the past tense. Other than a few grammar mistakes, it's fine. I'll critique the second chapter tomorrow.
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Re: Exploring the Unkown

Post  BuRnINgAmBiTIOn on Sat Jul 18, 2009 8:05 pm

Fallen_Ronin wrote:
BuRnINgAmBiTIOn wrote:DISCLAIMER
This story is my own. Any real life resemblance is purely coincidental. I don't intent to offend anyone by writing this story. Some names have been borrowed because they seem either catchy or ominous from previous use. Thank you.

In the not so distant future, the world is in chaos. There is a destructive virus spread out all over East Asia, killing many people. Meteors have touched down all over America, and only a couple thousand people have survived. Thievery and arson are highly common now. Everyone fights for their own survival, and this is what happened.

''Ugg...where am I?'' thought Shay as he regained consciousness. His hand instinctively went to his head, and he would feel blood running through his hair. Blaring car horns can be heard outside, accompanied by screams and gunshots. He gets up, and stumbles over to the door. As he opens it, he is overwhelmed by a strong odor from within the street. ‘‘What the hell is that smell?! My eyes are burning!'' He would groan, and walk into the street.
The sight he is awarded with is appalling. a huge hole is in the middle of the street, with a pillar of some billowing out from it. People can be seen sprawled out across the road and sidewalk. A pillar of smoke is lazily rising from the hole.
''Someone, please help me!'' a girl screams. Shay turns his head to see a girl sprawled out on the sidewalk, barely alive. There is blood all over her shirt, with holes everywhere. ''P-P-P-Please, help me!'' she wails again, holding her hand out to Shay. He runs over, setting her head in his lap. A careful examination tells him that she has shards of something lodged in her body. They’re too deep for him to pry out with his fingers.
''Everything is going to be all right! Let me help you.'' He would calmly say, fishing through his pockets to find something. All he finds is a little colorful fabric, and some tweezers. He gingerly starts to pull the shards out., and the girl whimpers every time he puts the tweezers into her ripped flesh. A few minutes later, the shards are taken out, and she is bandaged accordingly. ''Help me over to the wall..'' she quietly moans, and he helps her over, leaning her up against the wall. He looks up, seeing a sign saying ''Dustys Home Apparel''
''Are you feeling better?'' Shay questions the girl
''I'm feeling allot better. Thank you very much for helping me.'' Shay would stand up, looking around. She seemed to be the only survivor of this, other then him.
''What happened here? did a bomb blow up? he would ask, motioning his hand to the gaping hole in the middle of the road.
''It came out of no where..the meteorite. Anyways, it looked allot like a meteorite. It smashed into the middle of the road, making a huge explosion. I just woke up about the same time you found me.'' she would say. ''My name is Brianna. I think I should tell you that. I mean, after all, you did save me.''
''My name is Shay'' he would reply. ''So, a meteorite fell down, huh? This seems too big of a explosion for just a meteorite. Something seems weird about all this..''
''So, what now Shay? are you going to leave me here, or what? We've got nothing to go back to. I mean, all the homes are totaled.'' Brianna would say.
''Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up! What’s all this ''we'' stuff? All I did was save you!''
''Well, yeah, but I would feel allot better if I stayed near you. I don't know if another is going to hit or not..''
''Ok. You stay with me then.'' Shay would say. He would help her up, and they would go into the home apparel store for shelter.

END OF EPISODE ONE

I like the plot idea. Sounds pretty promising. With this chapter, I didn't like how you wrote things like "...He would feel the blood running through his hair" or "He would help her up, and they would go into the home apparel store for shelter" and you should've instead just said "He felt the blood running through his hair" or "He helped her up, and they went to the home apparel store for shelter". Just write in the past tense. Other than a few grammar mistakes, it's fine. I'll critique the second chapter tomorrow.
Thanks alot Very Happy that makes me feel alot better about my story
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